Leaving Shame Behind

lonely girl by Gisela Giardino. Flickr.

“Mommy, I just feel bad about myself.”  I closed my eyes in shame when I heard her little voice saying these words – words echoed in my own heart for so very many years.

Guilt. I felt guilty about everything for many, many years, reaching back into childhood. I suspect many women wrestle with guilt. And not just any old guilt, but deep, intractable guilt that fits like a second skin and roots itself deep into the fibers of our souls. I have lost untold hours of sleep over the years, tossing and turning in my bed, crying silently as I pictured all the ones I’d disappointed on that day and all the ways I’d failed. Not a day went by that I went to bed feeling satisfied that I’d been successful at anything or pleased anyone. I was convinced for so long that my constant failures were hurting the people I loved the most.

After my third child was born the guilt wedged itself ever deeper. My constant prayer when I woke every morning was, “God, make me enough today,” and my cry at the end of the day was, “I’m not enough, Lord.”  I didn’t know how to be who I was supposed to be or fill the role I was supposed to fill. And as the guilt infiltrated my heart and stole my joy I sank into depression until I hated myself and was convinced that I was utterly unlovable.

When I was wronged it incensed me if the other person didn’t feel the same degree of guilt I know I would have felt if the situation were reversed. Seeing a lack of guilt in someone set off a chain reaction in me: I would always feel a sense of injustice, which led to resentment, then isolation, which only further served to substantiate my unlovable nature. The cycle repeated itself until I was utterly worn through, my nerves threadbare, and entirely lonely.

My daughter’s words that day devastated me as I realized I was passing on to her this suffocating, ever-present, defining thing that was destroying me. One thing I knew was that she should never live like that; and if she was going to be free from it, then I was going to have to be free from it first.

I’ve learned over the years that what I lived with for so many years was not guilt. It was shame. Guilt is feeling bad about something we’ve done wrong or something we haven’t done right. Shame is feeling bad about who I am at the core. Guilt is about understanding that I’ve failed against a set of rules, or ethics, or ideals, while shame is directly related to how others see me or how I see myself. Shame is about perception.

Both guilt and shame can be constructive emotions when they are rooted in reality. If I snapped at the cashier at Wal-Mart, I should feel a degree of guilt and, hopefully, act on that guilt to make things right. If I am unfaithful to my husband, I should feel a sense of shame and seek ways to heal the hurt I inflicted.  Guilt is situational.  Shame is relational.

However, when feelings of guilt or shame stem from false perceptions, unreality, or those feelings become increasingly oppressive, then guilt and shame are not healthy or constructive.

Even those of us who have known God for a long time, who love Him wholeheartedly and unreservedly, and who are faithful in service to Him can experience debilitating shame. Shame is insidious and treacherous in that it separates us, in increments, from our Father. We pull away, often without knowledge or intention, because shame causes us to try to hide from Him what can’t be hidden. Shame causes us to question the reality of who we are in Christ Jesus. In fact, shame muffles those truths until we are isolated in a fog of doubt, self-loathing, and loneliness.

Every woman who suffers from shame must embrace the truth and reality of who we are, who God is, and who we are in God. Shame will separate us from His love, hinder our life’s purpose, and destroy our earthly relationships. It will snare us so that we can never experience joy, and freedom, and a sense of fulfillment. But our Father does not see us as unlovable. Or unlikable. Or unworthy. Or less than. Or not enough. Or dirty. Or unkind. Or lacking. Or foolish. It is true that He is aware of the places where we struggle. But He is often not as hard on us as we are on ourselves.  He is patient with us.

Jesus sees us as the apple of His eye (Psalm 17:8; Zechariah 2:8). We are His beloved (Song of Songs 6:3). We are beautiful and captivating to Him (Song of Songs 4:7). And you must believe that, while He does not ignore outright sin, He does not see you broken in that sin. And He especially does not see you broken and used in perceived sin and shame. He sees you as He created you to be. He sees you through the veil of the purifying blood He shed. And what He sees is lovely, and pure, and entirely the right bride for Him.

You do not have to be defined by the shame that holds you captive. You can take up the cloak of righteousness that He has freely offered you.

I know it’s hard. I know it’s scary. And I know it doesn’t always make sense. When I first began to understand that I am not unworthy, or unlovable, or guilty, or stained, or a failure, I was afraid. Who will I be if I’m not this person anymore? What is expected of me in this new reality? How do I act and how do I respond to others if the old ways are no longer needed?

I discovered that by turning my eyes to Him at every moment, with every question, at every uncertainty, He would teach me. I discovered that shame does not rule me. I overcame shame.  I still overcome shame.

To you, O LORD, I lift up my soul; in you I trust, O my God. Do not let me be put to shame, nor let my enemies triumph over me. No one whose hope is in you will ever be put to shame, but they will be put to shame who are treacherous without excuse. (Psalm 25:1-3)  Are you treacherous without excuse? I imagine it unlikely. So set your heart on this truth: No one whose hope is in Him will EVER be put to shame.

I sought the LORD, and he answered me; he delivered me from all my fears. Those who look to him are radiant; their faces are never covered with shame. (Psalm 34:4-5)  Are you seeking the Lord, even in your fear of the unknown? Rest assured, He will answer with deliverance. You are radiant and never covered with shame.

As the Scriptures say, “Anyone who trusts in him will never be put to shame.”(Romans 10:11) Do you trust Him, sweet friend? He doesn’t shame you. He doesn’t condemn you. He redeems you from shame and condemnation.

So, one day at a time, shed the counterfeit cloak of shame in exchange for the loveliness and desirability of His freely offered righteousness. Dare to taste the air of freedom so generously given you.

It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery. (Galatians 5:1) 

You can be free of shame and embrace the legitimacy of your royalty in Christ. You can live free and live abundantly. And you can rest in that freedom knowing that “if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed.” (John 8:36)

Please share in the comments ways you struggle with shame.  And if you’ve found a way through it, be sure to comment so others can be encouraged.